Wilonah Chan on Quitting Cosplay

It suddenly hit me and so I thought, "What if I did not quit cosplay back then? What if?"

This might totally seem like a personal journal entry but I am betting on it that there are also some other cosplayers out there who might have experienced the same thing as they have decided to quit. Or maybe they don't know it yet, and I hope that through this blog post, some things might become clear to them, or to you. I just realized this won't just be about quitting cosplay but more of a summary of my cosplay journey. Pero hahayaan ko nalang yung title na "Wilonah Chan on Quitting Cosplay" para maikli lang.

There are so many things to explain, so many thoughts to share. Here I will be coming out naked with the truth, reflections, realizations, mistakes, regrets, and things that I'm still thankful for.

My cosplay debut was at Ozine Fest 2011. My first cosplay character is Misaki Ayuzawa from Kaichou wa Maid-sama! I see Usui Takumi as my virtual boyfriend, that's why.

Before I start talking about quitting, why did I start cosplaying in the first place? I have always been an anime freak and a game addict ever since I got a hold of a computer and video game console. Teenage girls back then are buying Candy magazines and there was I collecting K-Zone. It was more of a personal shit and not exactly the interests that I could enjoy with most of my friends. I was not a pure nerd if I may say, I also drink and party a lot. I watch anime and play games at home. I rave with my friends when I'm outside.

So the webcam era came in, and there was this one time I posted a webcam selfie. My batchmates were gushing over it and kept on telling me the same thing, "Bagay ka magcosplay!" Then I was like, "Cosplay? What the fuck is that?" and so it finally began.

When I got to see what cosplay is, I fell in love with it right then and there. I have always wanted to become those characters from animes that I keep on watching over and over again. Yes, I know, from a non-cosplayer's perspective, it's so fckn' creepy but whatever. I have always wanted to enter the virtual world and the cosplay world is the closest to that fantasy.

Ayan na, simula na ng roller coaster ride ng buhay ko. I entered the cosplay scene as an extremely naive individual. I had no idea about its dark side and how costly and exhausting it can be in the long run.

Ako sa tingin ko talaga, I came in kinda stronger than it supposed to be. It was euphoria. Pagdating ko sa cosplay event para akong nasa wonderland. Finally, nakahanap ako ng lugar kung saan ang dami ring katulad kong wirdo. Kumbaga nagsusumabog yung sense of belongingness ko. Mga paborito kong anime character nabuhay, panay ang pa-picture ko sa mga cosplayer akala mo turista ako eh. Hanggang sa napansin ko nalang bakit ako na yung pinipicturan ng mga tao.

Extrovert ako at sanay naman ako sa crowd because I used to perform and host in recitals and mall shows mula pagka-bata palang. But it was in my first cosplay experience that I was totally cornered in a photo op! Pucha, ang daming camera! Hindi ko na alam kung saan ako titingin! Pero syempre alangan namang mag-inarte pa ako, edi smile lang nang smile, pose lang nang pose! Other female cosplayers (secret kung sinu-sino) started to give me the "Who the hell is this bitch? How dare she steal the spotlight from us." look. Then people started to ask what my name is, took photos with me and even asked for autographs. I experienced these things when I was still a performer pero iba yung intensity neto. Shet, instant celebrity!

I was in shock, but a good shock. Pasintabi lang sa bashers pero sa totoo lang kahit ganun ang bungad sakin sa cosplay wala parin akong konsepto ng "fame" nun. The first thing I thought was "Shet ang saya nagustuhan siguro nila yung costume ko, kamukhang-kamukha ko ba? Nagpa-gupit pa talaga akong octopus hairstyle para dito! Wooh!" It was such a warm welcome, napaka-sarap ng pagtanggap sa akin ng lahat. Puro positive comments and exciting invites ang natanggap ko tapos ang dami kong nakilala at ang daming nakipagkaibigan sa akin. People started to hunt me in social media to keep themselves posted sa mga susunod ko pang cosplay. Ramdam ko yung halaga ng pinaghirapan ko. Too good to be true, noh?

So here comes my second cosplay character, Rinoa (Angel Wing Version). You don't know her? Kill yourself. Haha. Naging favorite number ko pa nga ang 8 dahil sa kakalaro ko ng FFVIII. Nilaro ko yan sa PS1 at saka sa PC. It turned out to be my best cosplay character. Grabe yung naging impact niya for some reason I don't know. I don't have the same exact facial features of Rinoa but people keep on telling me that I really nailed it. Masipag ako sumali sa cosplay competitions nung una, sa pag-asang mababawi ko naman yung ginastos ko, nagpa-highlights pa talaga ako ng tulad kay Rinoa at may pakanta-kanta pa ako ng Eyes On Me sa stage. Hindi naman ako nananalo, parati nalang yung mga armored. Pakshet.

At dahil dyan, sa totoo lang, nagsimula nang maging matunog ang pangalang Wilonah Chan. After 1-2 months since I started cosplaying, I got an official invite from SM Cyberzone. I find it exciting but not so much of a big deal. Hindi ko rin naman kasi alam nung una na si Alodia pala ang bida sa event na kabibilangan ko. I never thought that it was that unusual for a beginner to be invited for a slot in the "SM Cyberzone's Women of Cosplay". It was expected sa mga cosplayers na medyo matagal na sa scene so I was kinda someone with a bang!

So ayun, it was like a wildfire name spread. Who was that Rinoa? Who was that girl beside Alodia in the picture? Oh, it's Wilonah Chan. At that point I felt scared, pero nanaig sa akin yung excitement at the same time because I thought that I finally got to show my potential and actually inspire other people through my cosplay. Yes, there were girls who are younger than me who said that they felt inspired just by seeing what I do. 

Hanggang sa tuloy-tuloy na, bawat cosplay event na kaya kong puntahan, pinupuntahan ko talaga at wala sa bokabularyo ko ang mag-ulit ng costume. Bihirang-bihira ko ginawa yun. Bawat con, new cosplay character. Dami kong time, effort, and money. It was so fast-paced and I even started traveling out of town to judge for a cosplay competition or to cosplay for a store opening. School events, blog interviews, TV appearances, radio guestings, and participation in fashion shows. They all poured in.

At nagsimula nang mag-iba ang lahat. If it's too good to be true, it's probably poison. Nahati na ang opinyon ng mga tao. Kung nung una, panay positibo lamang, eventually nagsulputan ang mga negatibong kumento. I can say that there was a time na sobrang mainit yung pangalan ko. Hindi ako nagyayabang, nagkkwento lang ako ng mga totoong pangyayari. Everybody has something to say about me. People started to invade my privacy and my personal life. Stalkers started to creep me out with "Nakita kita kanina sa SM North.", "Pinagjajakolan ko picture mo.", "Sex tayo." Haters, bashers, and trolls started calling me names such as famewhore, whore, pokpok, putangina name it ang dami hindi ko na maalala lahat. Hateful and supportive messages started to fill my inbox. My life suddenly became an open book and so here we are now in the dark chapter of my cosplay journey.

My bashers really thought that I left solely because of them. Not really, there were a lot of indicators that I had to stop cosplaying already. My friends in the real world also started to drift away from me and it is safe to say that it was not my fault but it would be another novel if I would tell the story behind it. Pero bigyan ko kayo ng example, uso kasi ang fansigns sa cosplay world. There was that one time that I worked on 160 fansigns yata in just one night. To my surprise, these fansigns that gave delight to others was something that made my friends backstab me pala. Ang jeje daw kasi ng fansign. Tangina nung mga yun. Ang jologs ko daw. Oh diba? Hindi alam ng mga bashers yan. 

I got depressed, really depressed, then finally the negativity from the cosplay world got to me. 

Nandyan yung nagka-gusto ako sa isang photographer na itago natin sa initials na JM tapos na-bitter ako kasi hindi ko rin naintindihan kung bakit walang pinatunguhan yung landian namin. Palagay ko hindi niya rin naintindihan ang labo kasi talaga eh. Hanggang sa pinaglalalait ko yung isa niya pang nililigawan tapos narinig niya yon tapos kagulo na. Wala eh, I was so young. Hahaha. As much as gusto kong magkaayos kami matagal narin at as far as I can remember dedmahan talaga kami sa cons. Nagka-boyfriend ako na cosplayer din pero ayoko nalang magsalita. Hahaha. Kawawa naman yun kapag nagsalita pa ako rito. Hayaan nalang natin na siya yung nanira sa akin, hindi na ako gaganti ang tagal narin eh. Mahirap na, baka gawan nanaman ako ng kwento nun. Hahaha.

Tapos nagsimula na'kong mapagod kasi parang naging trabaho ko na ang cosplay. Muntik pa yata akong lumipad ng Cebu o Davao nun. Buti sana kung mayaman ako para masuportahan lahat ng raket ko. I cannot deny the fact that it started to affect my studies narin. Ikaw ba naman may TV appearance ka sa isang morning show, gigising ka ng madaling araw, mag-aayos at susugod sa studio tapos may pasok ka sa school mamaya. Sa sobrang humaling ko pa sa cosplay kahit nasa loob ako ng classroom pinaplano ko na sa utak ko yung next cosplans ko. Graduating pa naman ako. Kaya naman sana if I have the resources kaso ordinaryong mamamayan lang ako.

Ang dami pang rason, nagpatong-patong na. As much as I want to enjoy what I was doing, it had become exhausting to me due to the fact that negativity kept on pouring in despite of my passion for cosplay. Semi-independent narin kasi ako nung graduating ako because I was living in a boarding house. I don't exactly have the perfect unwinding environment there, kahit nga TV wala ako run.

Here comes the mistakes. There's a concept of small but terrible, right? I had become something like that. Sa liit kong 'to, I took on a lot of people na parang walang sariling buhay sa kaka-pakialam sa maraming cosplayers. Without me knowing, I was slowly building up a defense mechanism na pala. Since a lot of people were hating on me, I started to give them more reasons to curse me some more. I was like, "Oh, you hate me? I still won't be sugarcoating anything, I'll become more of the person you really hate." If you say I'm a whore, then I'll post something about hentai. If you say I'm a famewhore, then I'll start belittling random people in GG. I became someone I really am not just because I want to piss them off. It was fun though, I won't deny that. But of course, what can too much negativity do to you, go figure. I lost all the fucks to give. I forgot about the fact that there were people who still support me and are pretty much intellectual compared to those "haters".

Eto ha, aware ako na prangka akong tao pero hindi ko naman binalak na dalhin yun hanggang sa cosplay scene. All I know was I'm entering a new world kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin which gives me the ultimate opportunity to become a better version of myself. Hindi naman sa pagbubuhat ng sariling bangko pero naniniwala naman ako na kahit ganito ako mag-isip at magsalita, mabuting tao naman ako. Hindi naman ako naninira ng buhay ng ibang tao or something. Bigay niyo na sa akin 'to.

So finally here's the gist, I simply had to quit. Not for anybody else and definitely not because of others. It was for myself and because of my own decisions. Then life just happened. I have been living independently right after college graduation. I got rent and bills to pay. I have to make a living. I don't have time or money to make a cosplan happen.

It's been years and the only thing that I really do regret is the fact that I deprived myself from what I really love. Whenever I see a new character, I always feel the urge to cosplay again. The more I prolong the agony, the more I cannot seem to just have a cosplay comeback.

You know it to yourself that you should avoid asking the what ifs but I myself cannot help it. What if I did not quit? What if I did not give up and stood stronger instead? How many cosplay costumes could I have successfully pulled off? What places could I have traveled to for a cosplay shindig? What could have been the things that I achieved through cosplaying? So many frustrations, and there's nothing I can do about it. Let bygones be bygones.

You might be thinking right now, "What's with this long blog post? C'mon, it's just cosplay." Yes, I know, cosplay is just a mere hobby. But, it used to be my way of life. A form of art that gave me a chance to embrace a big part of me. A craft that made me so passionate. I may have not had the perfect cosplay experience, but I am still thankful that I got to know such a wonderful thing. 

Still hoping for a comeback. I love cosplay, always have and always will.

W